Okay, this is just going to be a short update as I'm on a 'telecentre' computer and they charge a fair bit to use them, but hey, it's cheaper then the internet kiosk at the BP!

Norseman is an okay town...and I mean that in a positive way. I was all geared up to be living in a desert/arid region with salt lake a-plenty. Instead it's a semi-arid forest region with lots of trees and only the occasional salt lake :)

The town itself is fairly small and, as Shaun put it, is 3 shades away from being a ghost town. It has all the major things we need though - post office, pool, gym IGA, DVD rental shop, hardware store etc etc. It has two cafes...neither of which has what I would call decent or fair prices, it also has several pubs and several other clubs etc.

Our house, which we finally have access too, it okay aside from the strong odour of dog. We spent a large amount of money today buying products to undog the house until the carpet gets replaced. We can't move into the house just yet though as it has gas leaking from the fitting on the side...thats getting fixed today I think.

Anyhow, I don't have much else to add at the moment. I'll update more when I find my didgital camera and can take some snaps of the town.

Miss you guys lots (I miss having my own internet connection too!),

- Lena xx

So Yesterday we left Brisbane and embarked on our journey to Norseman. We made it to Perth with minor fuss and are now in Kalgoorlie (a largish mining town populated by about 80% men) after a very bumpy plane ride.

I don't like Kalgoorlie and I'm determined not to come here to shop. At All.

I'm wearing a nice dess and unfortunately it's getting me attention from horrible guys. Guys suck. I like the one I married and a few others but...yeah. I was crossing the street and this car load of yobs started whistling and yelling stuff out...then, of all things, my dress blew up and they got a nice view of my legs.

I also dropped my water bottle in my haste to get my dress down. They started yelling even more after that. I gave them the finger and ducked into the internet cafe as fast as I could.

So yeah, I'm not a fan of this place. I just want to leave and get to Norseman.

Oh, speaking of Norseman. Our furniture isn't arriving to Thursday now, even though it was supposed to arrive today (Monday). This means we get to stay in a hotel for a few days more then I wanted to.

Man...I really hate Kalgoorlie...

- Lena

I stoled this from someone...I forget who...

1. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Greater dedication to my work. I need to concenrate more and be the best I can be!

2. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
When I got my job at Norseman ^^ Yay!

3. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Deciding to move and go adventuring in a new state.

4. What was your biggest failure?
Hmmm, getting down in the dumps about my back :(

5. What was the best thing you bought?
New computer, for sure ^^

6. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Hmm, the parentals, Shaun and Lucy!

7. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Kevin :( and also various other people that let me down.

8. Where did most of your money go?
Petrol, food and painkillers :S

9. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Electric Blue, by Icehouse :)

10. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? Sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same (God, I hope so!)
iii. richer or poorer? About the same

11. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing.

12. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing and procrastinating

13. What was your favorite TV program?
The Bold and the Beautiful

14. What was the best book you read?
This The Gargoyle and the Jeneane Frost vampire series *shivers* those rocked my socks clean off my feet!

15. What was your favorite film of this year?
Iron Man

16. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a picnic by the river and I was 23

17. What kept you sane?
Walks, music, movies and my friends and family

18. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Obama - you got rid of Bush, yay for you!

19. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
You can't trust anymore other then yourself. Everyone will let you down at somepoint.

20. Word you said often enough that it should have been your catchphrase:
"Grade 10!"

_____________________________________________________


I'm friend-locking that last entry...rage is a hilarious thing.

I really hate people like that, you know? And I don't hate many people at all. I have a list of 2 peple who I activly hate and it used to only have one person on it. It's only been in the last 2 years that I've added anyone to it.

Ah well, such is life. I can't wait to move out of this goddamn city...

Oooh, on a side note: we had to cancel our going away pary as we lost our 'venue'. Downstairs is out and we can't have it upstairs because we've just had the carpets cleaned and people would make it mucky again. It was too late to book any other venues, so we had no choice.

Sorry guys ^^

*looks stressed*

My car gets shipped to our new home town tomorrow (tiny town in the middle of the desert in WA, Australia...the other side of the country to where I live now!), only the moving company was supposed to ring me today to set up a time and they never did! Now I'm going to have to harass the moving people early in the morning...and what if I harass them too late! Aaaaw...why couldn't they have done their job and told me where and when I'm supposed to get the car to them...wherever they are...I don't ever know! Eeeep!

I don't even more for another 2 weeks either! I'm going to die without a car! This moving business is more stress then its worth.

Anyone have any stress relief ideas they wanna share with me...because I'm starting to get a liiiiiiitle bit stressed. Just a little...

Ignore my last post. I'm feeling much better now...much better. I think I forgot to spray anti-emo around the house or something. *Shrugs* We all go a little mad sometimes...

I feel absoloutely wretched today. I'm not entirely sure why...I woke up feeling okay but things seem to have gone wrong inside my head since then. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a great big fucking cliff, holding back tears and feeling this pressure build inside of me until I think it's going to tear through my chest.

This makes no sense. I think I'm anxious about something (everything?), I don't even know anymore. Its not like my life isn't great, I mean I'm moving to the other side of the country away from all my friends and family, but I don't think that's what's wrong.

I feel trapped. Yeah. Trapped on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump or fall or take a step back and just accept my life and what it is. Things aren't going to get any better. I'm not magically going to wake up and find that my problems have gone away overnight, no matter how much I might wish they would.

Ha. I laughed when I reread that bit. I don't even have any problems. Just stress and anxiety about...nothing and everything. It's irritating. I feel emotional about nothing.

On the up side I bought a new computer today. I felt better for about 5 minutes before the impending gloom descended again. My parents also brought my new fridge over, but all that made me think was "what the hell am I going to do with the old fridge if Anthony doesn't need it?".

Speaking of my parents, my dad hurt his back getting the fridge in. I wish Shaun had helped him move it - Dad has enough injuries without adding a strained back to the list. That's all I'll say on that topic.

Then of course Khan is sick again and I'm unhappy about that. He's got earmites and the medicine the vet gave him is making him listless and sad. He just sits still and mews if you try to pat him. I hate seeing anybody in pain...but especially my kitty.

I still don't understand why I have this churning in my stomach, or why I feel like my heart is beating at a million miles and hour while I feel the need to go back to sleep or hide in a dark corner. I hate anxiety, especially when its set upon me for no reason.

I'm going to watch a movie and take my mind off things.

Yes...I am in Gympie...this is all I have to say for now, but I shall be updating my LJ a lot more from now on...possibly because I'm moving to a tiny town in WA soon.

Heh.

Does anybody even read this any more? Let me know, yah?

I'm feeling sick again...I think this whole vegetarian thing is making me a little lifeless. I have no energy and I'm getting dizzier by the day!

But...I'm losing weight.

Okay, so I wan't huge to begin with...but I want to lose what I don't need. So far I've lost 10 kg, which has brought me down to 67 KG, which for my height (almost 6 feet) is the lower side of average. If I can get down lower I'll be happier...

Hmm. I havent been able to write ANYTHING lately and I've tried lots. I think I might be able to get something out in the holidays coming out...but I am going away with my husband to the barossa for most of it, so maybe not >.<

I'll try.

- Lena

Okay, well I've been having TONS of fun making avatars of my DBZ characters from Slave. I'm mostly using my original characters, but I made one of Bulma too.

I've made these avatars for some crazy role playing mates of Emmie (Kasharael) and their Exalted games. However, anybody who would like to use them is more then welcome!

Anyway, if you're feeling up to it you can check them out here: http://vegeta-goddess.deviantart.com/

Feel free to leave some comments on the avatars to let me know if you like them, how they can be improved etc.

Hmmm, what else...I'm really feeling the love over my latest chapter of Slave. Like...wowzers, all the lovely reviews I've been getting have really spun me out. I forgot how nice people in the fic world can be. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to have people praise me ^_^

Anyhow, I thought I'd leave you all tonight with a picture of my tattoo. This is NOT a recent picture - I took it a few hours after I got the tattoo done. But hey, for those people who are curious this is what mine looks like, well, this is it. It's a little different to some of the saiyan tattoos I've seen, but I wanted mine to be a little more angular and...yeah...here you go...I'll put a proper tattoo up when it heals.

If you wanted to know anything (everything?) about me, I got bored...Share time!


The Basics
1. Name: Helena
2. Nicknames: Lena, Leens, Lee Lee, Chi chi, vegeta goddess, insaiyan, lena the grump, kitty
3. Gender: female
4. Age: 23
5. Birthday: 4th February 1985
6. Birthplace: Ipswitch, but only because my parents were playing canasta at a friends house when mum went into labor.
7. Heritage: Scandinavian, german, italian and english
8. Job: teacher
9. Hometown: Boonah
10. Current Town: Brisbane
11. Parents Still Together: Yup
12. Siblings: The boy
13. Pets: Khan the cat
14. Smoker: nope
15. Drinker: nope
16. Virgin: nope
17. Orientation: I like the boys...but girls are pretty.

Appearance
18. Hair Colour: black
19. Eye colour: green
20. Height: 5'11
21. Glasses/Contacts/None? : None
22. Freckles: yeah, a light dusting
23. Body Type: humanoid
24. Shoe Size: 9
25. Piercings: None
26. Want More? : No, I'm fearful of the peircing gun
27. Tattoos? : Yeah, the saiyan royal symbol on my right wrist
28. Overall Best Feature? : My eyes
29. Overall Worst Feature? : chin
30. Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad? : Dad mostly, but I have my mums nose.

LOVE LIFE
31. Are You Single? : No, I'm married.
32. If you’re Single, Do you Like It? :S
33. Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now? : Yes
34. First Kiss : With a girl in my back shed
35. Ever Kiss in the Rain? : Yep
36. In a Movie Theatre? : yep
37. Ideal kissing moment: when you're in love
38. First Love : Hmmm...I guess my husband.
39. Have you ever cheated on anyone? : Yeah...sorry Peter.
40. Been Cheated on? : Not that I know of...my wrath would be swift and terrible.
41. Are You a Tease? : Unintentionally maybe
42. Do you flirt a lot? : I think maybe I do
43. Have you Ever Gotten a Poem? : Yeah *hugs them*
44. Ever Get Flowers? : Yeah, I love roses!
45. Sweetest Thing You've Ever Gotten : A second chance
46. Do you Like Valentine's Day? : Yeah...I get stuff.
47. Do you believe in Love at First Sight? : Yes. You meet someones eyes and even though you know you're never ever going to see them again you have that connection.
48. Do you Fall in Love Fast? : Yeah, I'm an all or nothing girl. If I truly like someone they get my everything, if they don't then they get a distant nasty lena.
49. Would you ever Hook up with someone of the same sex? : *coughs and points to the first kiss question*
50. Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex? : Yes
51. Ever been rejected? : Once in grade 8
52. Do you ever make the first move? : Sometimes, Shaun encourages me to.
53. Do you want to get married? : Well, I did get married, but not because I had to. It wa sa nice thing for Shaun and I to do to celebrate our love (plus we got lots of presents and I got to dress up!)

OPPOSITE SEX (what you're attracted to)
54. Hair Colour : Red
55. Short or long : I don't mind, but I prefer short or medium length.
56. Style: Goth men do it for me
57. Age: Older
58. Height: my height or taller
59. Weight : -
60. Muscular or Skinny : Either
61. Panties or G-string : te he he...I like boxers
62. Do you care about looks? : I suppose so, but personality is more important to me.

Other
63. Can you drive? : Yep
64. What is your favourite colour? : purple
65. Do You Have a Car? : yeah, a black yarris
67. Are you online a lot? : yeah
69. Can you speak another language? : A little japanese and german (i can understand and read german but I cant speak it well.)
70. Read books? : Yeah, I love books
71. Do you do well in school? : Well, I teach at a highschool and I think I teach pretty well.
72. Ever smile for no reason? : Constantly
73. Talk to yourself? : Yeah, pep talks and all that stuff.
74. Do you have any regrets? : A few, but I wouldn't change anything. Everything thats happened to me (bad or good) has made me who I am.
75. Do you have any allergies? : nope
76. Believe in magic? : Yes
77. Thoughts on abortion: Up to the woman. We have the right to choose.
78. Do you support gay marriage? : yes
79. Sex before marriage?: Yes :)
80. Do you trust people easily? : yeah, but I distrust people easily tooo.
81. Forgive easily? : Sometimes.
82. Do you have a secret no one knows? : yes
83. Do you get along with your parents? : yes, very well.
84. How do you vent your anger? : walking, listening to music and swallowing it down ito my own personal seething pool of hate.
85. Do you like George Bush? : No, monkey man is bad fort the world.
86. Biggest Fear : Needles, dentists and some various ways of dying.
87. Biggest Weakness : Stubborness
88. Do you play an instrument? : the viola and piano...but not well.
89. Hugs or kisses: both have their place.
90. Sunny or rainy: Sunlight is good, but I love the rain
91. Drunk or high: Neither, I hate being out of control and I hate the pain I associate with drinking.
92. Fruit or veggie: Veggies
93. Night or day: night
94. Sour or sweet: sour
95. Love or money: love...but money is awfully tempting.
96. Phone or in person: in person, I have an illogical fear of calling people.
97. Looks or personality: Personality...but looks are important. People judge a book by its cover, we all know it.
98. Coffee or tea: coffee
99. Hot or cold: cold. its easier to warm yourself up with blankets and someone to steal heat form.
100. Most cherished memory: Woomera
101. First thought waking up: That was a weird dream...
102. Do you want kids, how many? : one or two.
103. Do you want to go to university: been and gone, glad I went.
104. What do you want to be: financially free to do whatever I want.
105. Dance in the rain: You can't dance in the rain without singing.
106. Shower daily: hygiene is your friend
107. Like thunderstorms: yes
108. Sing: yep
109. Can you whistle: yes, in and out.
110. Right or left handed: right
111. 3 things you can't live without: Movie popcorn, writing and dreams.
112. If you could be anywhere right now where would you be? : Antarctica
113. Someone who knows the most about me is: Lucy or Shaun
114. The person I have been good friends with the longest: Taylor
115. Are you afraid of the dark: Never
116. The person that can read me the best is: my mum, damned psychologist.
117. The one person who I can't hide things from: I can hide things from everyone
118. I hope: I don't get fat, seriously. Its a real fear I have.
119. The best sound in the world: wind moving through long grass and tree leaves
120. The person that makes me cry the most: Shaun
121. First Pet: Cat called Pipin, dog called Bill, cow called Kellie and a bird named Bluey.
122. My worst drinking experience was: Lucy. 2 bottles of Vodka. Highschool.
123. The most annoying thing ever is: people who are cruel
124. I lose all respect for people who: hurt others
125. I hate: being indecisive
126. I love: being alone
127. The worst pain I ever felt: when i hurt someone I love
128. My room: is full of my stuff
129. My jeans: are tight, black skinnies
130. What turns you on? : being trapped and some kinds of pain
131. What broke your heart: nothing yet, although its a little bruised.

PERSONALITY TRAITS - Are you...
132. A bitch? : Only in my head
133. A daydreamer? :Yes
134. Shy? : I can be
135. Talkative? : With people I know, yes.
136. Energetic? : I have been lately
137. Happy? : Ususally
138. Depressed? : Oaccsionally
139. Funny? : Well, I like to think so *grins*
140. Slutty? : No
141. Boring? : Possibly when I'm teaching...
142. Mean? : I can be
143. Nice? : Always
144. Caring? : Always on the outside but sometimes on the inside I don't care at all.
145. Trustworthy? : Yes
146. Confident? : Yes, and if I'm not I pretend I am.
147. Friendly? : Of course
148. Smart? : I like to think so
149. Sarcastic? : Never *smirk*
150. Dependable? : Yeah
151. Quiet? : Yes
152. Weird? : Possibly
153. Adaptable? : No other way to be
154. Strong (emotionally)? : yes
155. Strong (physically)? : yes
156. Mature? : No choice but to be when you work with kdis
157. Logical? : too much so
158. Religious? : more spiritual
159. Modest? : ...sometimes
160. Indecisive? : i hate indecisiveness, so no.
161. Sympathetic? : and empathetic too.
162. Polite? : yes
163. Creative? : yes
164. Loveable? : yes
165. Easily Amused? : YES
166. Outgoing? : yes
167. Daring? : Yes, I have to challange myself!
168. Clumsy? : Unfortunately, yes.
169. Nosy? : Yeah I can be.
170. Lazy? : When I'm out of oomph I wont' do a thing by lay on the couch.
171. Scary? : I think I can be
172. Optimistic? : Usually
173. Persuasive? : Oh yes
174. A good listener? : Yeah
175. Curious? : curiousity killed me.
176. Determined? : Always
177. Honest? : To the point of being blunt
178. Respectful? : Usually
179. Conceited? : Possibly sometimes
180. Cocky? : only jokingly
181. Controlling? : Yes, very.
182. Playful? : yes
183. Easygoing? : yes
184. Carefree? : yes
185. Hot Headed? : yeah
186. Serious? : a lot of the time
187. Thoughtful? : yes
188. Considerate? : yes
189. Stubborn? :yes
190. Romantic? : hopelessly
191. Ambitious? : for the most part
192. Jealous? : I can be but not often and never for long.
193. Insecure? : Sometimes
194. Obsessive? : Yeah
195. Attentive? : yes
196. Helpful? :yes
197. Punctual? : yes
198. Rational? :yes
199. Sincere? :yes
200. Tolerant? :yes

If you got to the end, you seem to want to know a little too much about me! Don't you have better things to do?

Well, I got the tattoo about a week ago...I think...yeah, a week ago tomorrow. Its all shiny at the moment but as soon as it settles down I will take a photo of it and put it up.

It looks sweet, although all the students at school keep asking me what it means. I ususally feed them a line about it meaning "determination", "believing in yourself", "never giving up" - because hey, that kinda sums up the saiyan race (and vegeta!). Of course, my students can read me like a book and they normally badger me until I tell them its from DBZ and is the royal saiyan sumbol.

Most of them think I'm strange...but a large proportion of them think its pretty cool. I'm not sure why...possibly because they all love anime too.

Anyway, not much else to say. I'm hoping to get another chapter of slave up tonight - I've written it on paper and I just need to type it up!

It had mad bad Vegeta/Bulma sex, so all those people who have been whinging via email for the past few years will be happy (of course I meaning whinging in the nicest, lovliest way!).

Uh, not much else to add. I wish it was still holiday time!

- Lena xx

Okay, in my usual 'Lena' impulsive way I'm getting my tattoo....

TOMORROW!

Yeah. I walked into the tattoo parlour to make a consultation appointment and they had an opening tomorrow before they were booked up for months. So yeah, I get to be in excruciating pain tomorrow at 5pm.

I'm looking forward to it. Tattoo'd forever with a saiyan symbol..there really is something wrong with that...

Yay!

- Lena

Okay, I've come to a decision and I've decided to get a tattoo of the royal saiyan symbol on my right wrist.

I've been toying with this idea for years now...because I love the look of the royal saiyan symbol and I really, really want a tattoo on my inner wrist. I have no idea why, it is supposed to hurt a lot...but oh well, I want what I want.

My parents will probably both be devastated, I know they were after my brother got his tats, but they'll live.

Anyway, if anyone has any images of the royal saiyan symbol feel free to send them my way, I only have a few images of it and I'mnot sure if they're clear enough.

Aw, I'm all excited now!

Well, I have posted a couple of new chapters of Slave and they're pretty good...


Okay, so I went and saw Ben today and he seemed a lot better, well, more responsive! I got a hello from him which was cool.

:(

I went and saw Ben in hospital today - he's in rough shape. He woke up briefly while I was there but I don't think he recognised me...or if he did he didn't respond much. Its terrible to see him like this. I wish there was some magical way to make him well again...but its going to be years before he recovers.

As well as the fractures to his skull he's broken his arm, elbow, collar bone, all the ribs on one side and a few of his tail bone...bits. His mum told me that he fell from about two stories up...a little higher then that.

Horrible. I'll go see Ben tomorrow and bring him a GIR doll!

In other news...this was me last night.

Me: Shaun, who should I kill - Kakarot or Brolly?

Shaun: Huh?

Me: Oh don't worry...hand me that coin. Heads I kill Kakarot and tails I kill Brolly.

*Flips coin and it lands heads up*

Me: Who was I killing if it landed on heads?

Shaun: Kakarot

Me: Shit, I don't want to kill Kakarot. Oh screw it, I'm just gonna kill Brolly...


Ah, the informed and well thought out choices I make while planning fanfiction chapters ^_^

I got news today that one of my best friends, Ben, has been in hospital for two weeks in critical condition after falling off a wall and splitting his head open. He's out of critical now...but they don't know how bad the damage is.

His mother has asked me to stop by and see him so I'm going to drop by and see Ben tomorrow - I hope he recovers from this. God, I really, really do.

Okay, in other news that is less exciting and more positive I have started writing fanfiction again. Yes, I know I say this from time to time and nothing actually happens...but I have! I have written two chapters of Slave in as many days!

Go - read and enjoy if you're a fan ^_^ My writers block has finally been defeated!

...I'm still sad for Ben :(

Why do bad things happen?

Okay, its over. The thing I was talking about a few diary entries ago is finally, finally over.

The truth will out.

Shaun (my husband) is very cute. We watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead last night, and although I much prefer the original, Shaun hadn't seen the remake and so we watched it together.

Anyway, Shaun had a nighmare that night that I'd been bitten by a zombie and I was slowly turning and he had to say goodbye to me as I slowly died. He woke up soooo upset and he was sad all day because of it. How sweet.

I also got lots of good news on mothers day (and some not so good news) but my mother got her job made permanent, which is FANTASTIC as she has been working in a temperary position for years now waiting to be made permanent so she can transfer home to be with my father again. Yay for her! I bought her some gorgeous funky birdcage earing for mothers day, I'll have to post them up to her.

For those of you who know what a World Expo is, I attended the Expo '88 20 year celebration at Southbank on the weekend. Not so much because I was a massive fan of the '88 Expo (I was only 3 at the time) but because I was going to have a picnic with Shaun and my buddy Amy. We were going to go down and watch a free outside screening of Back to the Future, but they changed the running schedual of the movies and we got down there in time to see ET. I hate ET, so we picnic'd for a bit then went to Batavia for coffee and then wandered around before ending up on the sand at Streets Beach at Southbank and watching the fireworks while they played dodgy 80's music. It was great, I love Electric Blue by Icehouse.

After that Shaun and I went and watched Iron Man, which lived up and surpassed my every expectation. I'm sooo going to go and see that movie again, probably with miss Lucy since she's had a rough time lately.

Anyway - things are going well at the moment, so I shall end by saying goodnight and wishing everybody well!

- Lena

Some of you may remember that I was in a car accident last year around August. Some teenage girl was driving and speeding with no lights on and hit my car side on, ripping the front half of my car off and spinning me 180 degrees.

Some of you may even know that I got a little...hurt...in that accident, went to hospital and it turned out that I had not only bitten through my lip and banged my knee up, I had a prolapsed disk in my lower back (thus the pins and needles and numbness in my left leg.)

This all happened a while ago. I didn't realise how bad things were at first until recently. I mean, I thought that my back would get better and things would go back to normal. The doctors seemed to agree with me. Only things havent exactly worked out that way.

I'm in pain. I'm always in pain. Not excuiating pain, but this slow dulling pain that always aches in my lower back and my left butt cheeck. It. Doesn't. Go. Away. It just hurts me. Sometimes it hurts from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep again at night. Those are the bad days. Those are the days when I know that if I drive in my car the pain will become excruiating and it will begin shooting up and down my body in these painful spasm.

Othertimes I'm mostly fine all day and I can push the pain to the side. But that doesn't happen often. My day has become this haze of wishing the pain would stop, waiting for the pain to start or hoping that everything would just stop. I'm living on painkillers. Nthing major. Sometimes I just use paracetamol but other times I need to use Ibuprofen. Sometimes I need to use something with codine in it. Sometimes I even have to take fucking valium to get to sleep.

I hate it. I fucking HATE it! I hate taking shit like this and having to put it into my body just to get to sleep or to function normally. I just want my back to go back to the way it way. I don't want to live the rest of my life in this agony. I want to be able to do the things I used to be able to do - I want to be myself again and not this pathetic shadow of a creature that fears anything that might hurt her.

I want to watch people running and jumping without cringing. I want to go back to the gym and get fit again. I want to be able to go on rollar coasters and amusement park rides again. I want to be able to run. I want to be able to drive and sit without pain!

Goddamn it!

I keep trying to think positively, I keep trying to think of the things I can do...but its all the things I used to love doing that I can't do anymore. I keep getting depressed. I keep wanting to call in sick for work so I can lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.

I was in pain on my wedding day. I loved that day - it was special and fantastic but I was taking painkillers all day just so I could stand and sit. My honeymoon was even worse. Driving was agony. Walking around sight-seeing was agony. Sex was hidiously painful...no, correct that, sex is still painful. Sex hurts me so fucking much that my partner and I are being intimate less and less often. I love being close to him...but it hurts my back so much.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I just want this to all end.